


I Want You To Know

by doorwaytoparadise



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: M/M, One-sided pining, Poor Douglas, he thinks he ruined it for himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-17
Updated: 2012-10-17
Packaged: 2017-11-16 11:51:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doorwaytoparadise/pseuds/doorwaytoparadise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the Riot. Prompt: Conflict. Sub-prompt: Self-conflict</p>
<p>Douglas pines over Martin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want You To Know

Sorry. How...how can I possibly find the words sufficient enough to apologize. Sorry is most definitely not enough. I took it too far. I know. Qikiqtarjuaq should have been a memory you would look back on and be able to laugh. Polar bears and ridiculous names of places you can't pronounce, just another trip. Now, you probably won't ever want to think back on it. I regret how I acted, and that's not something I can readily admit to. I have no excuse, and I can't even begin to grasp something to say to make it better. Staring at you now in the flight deck, after that trip, you're subdued and saying what is only necessary. I hope it isn't because of me. It pains me to know it is.

_Everyone's around, no words are coming out._   
_And I can't find my breathe, can we just say the rest with no sound._   
_And I know this isn't enough, I still don't measure up._   
_And I'm not prepared, sorry is never there when you need it._

If only, if only. If only I had acted less on impulse. If only you could understand. I have shielded myself for so long, I fear the truth behind my actions may never come out. Martin. I truly do have a high opinion of you. It's not just your resolve, your work ethic, your, yes, professionalism, which are all qualities to be respected and admired by the general public. For me, it's the little things, the ones that give insight into what kind of man you are. Your little actions while flying, habits, and nuances I've found myself memorizing. I think, if a miracle were to occur, you would make my life so much better. And if I could muster up the nerve, I could do the same for you.

_And I do want you know I hold you up above everyone._   
_And I do want you know I think you'd be good to me_   
_And I'd be so good to you._   
_I would._

I hate myself for being such a coward. You're hardly the most intimidating of people. But you would think me teasing, wouldn't you. Again, my fault for fueling that perception. I'm such a bastard aren't I? Pining after my co-pilot, nearly young enough to be my son. And yet, I thought I saw you looking at me a little differently recently, perhaps there was hope after all, and I wasn't going to lose myself in madness. Then, this most recent venture, and the distant professional act was back up, and I could really bang my head into the control panel. If how I acted killed any chance with you, well it was my own fault. Go figure, one stuttering, incompetent, short, ginger man would be the great sky god's undoing. God has always done great things for Douglas Richardson. Why stop now, when I've found the one thing I've genuinely wanted, with no foul intent? Perhaps it's karma. For making myself out to be such a smarmy, arrogant, sod. I care deeper than anyone will know, yet the desire to not to be hurt has overridden that care, and left me at arm's length from even my most precious people.

_Thought I saw a sign, somewhere between the lines._   
_Maybe it's me, maybe I only see, what I want._   
_But I still have your letter, just got caught between_   
_Someone I just invented, and who I really am and who I've become._

I'm far too old for this, and I'm getting too tired as well. Three failed marriages tend to do that. I can argue with myself all day, until I run my own thoughts in circles, but nothing will change the fact that I'm stupidly in love with one Martin Crieff, and he will never look at me that way. Not after everything that has happened. And so, my greatest enemy is now myself. I can dream, but the fact remains that I could never lower my pride enough to beg for a chance, and he would never turn in m direction and see more than the reputation I've built for myself, no matter how much good I think I could bring.

 

_And I'd be so good to you._   
_You bring me higher._   
_Yeah._   
_I would._

**Author's Note:**

> Italicized bits are lyrics from the song Good To You by Marianas Trench.


End file.
